Courteous Eating: When Your Friend Has Special Dietary Needs

Disclaimer: I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who does not have allergies but has been a vegetarian for many years, and who currently eats vegan as much as possible.

It can be pretty tough to figure out where a large group is going to eat together. This gets harder when one or more people in the group have some kind of dietary need, like allergies or Celiac disease, or are veg*n (that's a combination word that lumps together vegan and vegetarian). And when you have a craving for a place that doesn't meet those needs, it can be frustrating.

But you have to adapt. As a general rule, people who will eat anything can have a meal that eliminates something. It won't hurt you to not eat nuts because someone is allergic, or to have a single gluten-free and/or veg*n meal. Really. I promise. But when the table is flipped it can cause serious problems. People with allergies, including gluten, can have severe health implications. Even people who are veg*n, even though it is technically a choice, can get sick from eating meat or dairy if their body is no longer used to processing it. It's just rude to deny someone health and comfort because you have a craving.

Trust me, being on the other side is awkward. I have felt very guilty in the past because I made my friends go to a couple of places before we found something I could eat. I don't want to make people I care about suffer, or be inconvenienced, but at the same time I am not going to compromise myself or sit there hungry. One would think that a compassionate person would never make their friend starve to satisfy their own desires, but you'd be surprised how many times I've had people argue about where we're going when I've said I can't eat somewhere.

We already do our best to be accommodating. As much as stupid jokes might fly around about veg*ns being smug and annoying, most of us just want to have dinner without conflict. So if someone says they have a need, even if you don't interpret it as such, honor it. Check ahead if a restaurant has veg or gluten free options, or if they can make things without allergens. And no, I don't just mean a side salad or "you can probably pick the chicken off." I mean food. I mean an entree. One that is made without meat/gluten/nuts/etc. It's just the nice thing to do, and trust me that your companion will appreciate it.

You can go out for a nut-encrusted steak with a side of gluteny bread tomorrow.

The Importance of Friendships, In Whatever Medium You See Fit

I have about 150 really close friends, and I've only met about a dozen of them.

No, really. Out of respect for privacy I won't say too much about most of them, but I'm in a particular Facebook group full of really amazing people that I consider better friends than many people I currently know in real life (sorry).

The group has been around for about two years, and in that time I've gotten to know these (mostly) women really, really well. I know, I know. A lot of people think you can never achieve the full bond of friendship through a computer. They could be anyone, posing as 20- or 30- somethings to infiltrate this band of buddies and then pounce when we let our guard down. They could be another incarnation of the Craigslist killer. They could be 14-year-old boys. They could be they could be they could be.

They aren't. I trust them all implicitly. Many of us have met in real life. Who has met whom depends on geography, but between living in a place lots of people visit and doing a little traveling myself, I've met many of my friends; even shared a hotel room with a couple of them. I have not been murdered, and no one is 14.

But that's beside the point. What matters is that I have a large group of people I feel close to, who are at the same time encouraging, supportive, hilarious, passionate, smart, and kind. They will call me out when I mess up, but support me in efforts to fix my mistakes.

I wish everyone could have access to friends like that, whether online or in real life. Having a support network is vital to success. And yes, you can get extremely close to people using a computer. Before I had met anyone in person, I still felt like this was a tight group. I don't feel any more distant from the people I have yet to see face-to-face. Everyone is important.

Internet Arguments: Not Always Bad

I know! We've probably all been told to get off the computer and stop arguing with strangers. It's a waste of time, they say. You'll never change anyone's mind, they say.

A lot of the time that's completely true. Often when you get into a bickering match on an online forum, you're just going to get frustrated and spend a significant chunk of your day fuming to yourself over something some random person in East Jesus, Iowa, said about the Affordable Care Act and nothing productive will come of it.

Image credit: xkcd.

But. But! Sometimes they work out. First of all, they can actually be a good way to teach yourself what to avoid. Maybe you realize that half of your high school class hasn't actually outgrown the privileged mindset of their wealthy suburban upbringing the same way you have. So then you decide to remove the bulk of them from your friends list on Facebook. And now you only see things from people you actually want to stay in touch with instead of rolling your eyes and self-involved, judgmental drivel. I may or may not be speaking from experience here.

Secondly, sometimes you can strengthen friendships. Just like how deep heart-to-heart conversations in person can make you feel a tighter bond, so can online discussions. Without revealing too many details, I have a lot of friends with whom I mainly communicate via social media. I've gotten into arguments with them. Sometimes big ones. But we come through, and usually after the air has cleared and everyone has assessed their feelings, we've exchanged messages and come out closer than ever.

And last but not least, you can actually learn things about the world if you are willing to listen. Yes, sometimes you will be bickering over something stupid and the person you are fighting with will be completely obtuse. Those are the ones from which you should just walk away. But something you are the person who screwed up, and the argument is because of your defenses. If that happens, you have a chance to learn. Think about what people are saying. Think about what you said and how it may have been hurtful. Think about what you can do or say in the future not to have a repeat of this incident. Do that. Congratulations, you just grew as a person.

So, no. It's not always worth your time to have internet fights. But sometimes it is. What we should all be working on is knowing the difference between a waste of time and an opportunity. That's how we grow, and how we grow up.