Dissertations, Employment, and Other Terrifying Things

"I live in the present and am confident in the future."

I wrote that mantra in a notebook three times this morning, trying to make myself believe it. The only reason I stopped at three is because I didn't want to venture into "all work and no play make Jack a dull boy" territory; really, I need to write and think it a million times in a desperate attempt to internalize the message.

Recently, my therapist suggested I try affirmations to boost my confidence and self-esteem. She said that I could look in books or online for ideas if nothing original came to mind, and indeed, I pulled the one above off of some random website on the first page of results when you Google "affirmations."

I have trouble thinking about the future. Supposedly this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, which I never would have associated with myself because I never considered the years of struggling with depression and anxiety as PTSD until my shrink referred to them as such. I think it's common to associate PTSD with people who have survived events like war or assault, but traumas can be anything. Mine comes from having been bullied as a child, which still has an effect on my daily life even though it occurred 20 years ago. It's liberating to have this frame of reference for my issues, like they exist for a reason, and not because I'm broken or defective, which is how I've often felt in the past.

Planning has always been tough for me. The last time I had a concrete answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up?" was when I was about 5, and I think I wanted to be a ballerina-slash-veterinarian, or maybe a mermaid (actually I'd still kind of like to be a mermaid). Most of my college friends had some sort of dream and a plan to go with it. I cycled through four majors, and only landed on the one I finally graduated with -- psychology -- because I couldn't change again without delaying graduation. When I was working on my master's degree, I never had an answer to the question of what I wanted to do when I was out of school. Most of my classmates had something, but even half-formed, cobbled-together plans eluded me, and it always made me feel like I was missing out. I thought maybe it was a lack of passion for the field (journalism), but there are aspects that I love, and I still couldn't envision my future.

Now I'm working on a doctorate, and I do feel passionate about the field (information studies), but there are still questions I can't answer. I don't really have a reply when people ask why I chose my program -- I did so on a whim, as I tend to do when making major life decisions because I simply cannot see beyond what sounds good in the moment. I also am unable to tell you what I plan to do with the degree. Sure, I'd be comfortable in academia, but I could probably be happy in some other area.

When I try to envision myself in 5 or 10 years, I see nothing. It's a big black wall. I just recently, within the past couple of weeks, made a tentative plan for the rest of my coursework. If I can get everything worked out and take classes this summer, I should finish with classes a year from now, and take my comprehensive exam in fall 2015. Being able to say that is enormous progress, because last semester a professor asked when we were each planning to take the comps and I was the only one who hemmed and hawed and didn't have even a vague idea. I also decided on a broad topic for my dissertation so I can take the correct electives. Again, progress.

My whole existence is walls, or at least it feels that way. There's the black wall of my future. There's another, all around me, that prevents me from letting people in, making friendships and relationships really hard. It's time to knock them down. I think there are a few cracks in the black wall in front of me, but the other needs to go as well. I just need to make sure the whole building doesn't crumble as I do it.

Crossposted: Can We Stop Being Shocked That Thin People Sometimes Date Fat People?

[This post originally appeared at Persephone Magazine on July 26, 2013]

Earlier, I was directed to a pair of articles on Yahoo! from two halves of a couple. The first was from a woman who is fat and dating a thin man. The second is the boyfriend's perspective. While I'm happy for them, and appreciate that they are putting it out there that fat people are not loveless, sexless pariahs unable to find happiness, I'm pretty sick of how a preference for fat bodies is treated like some kind of freak show.

Some people prefer redheads, some like taller partners, some people are into big boobs, shapely arms, booties, or curly hair. We all have things that make us take note of our preferred gender. It is absurd that we can accept so many other sets of differences within a couple but not one of size, especially when the woman is larger (in a hetero couple). Obviously, this is a reflection of the way our society views fat people: as inhuman, as less-than, as below second class, as completely undeserving of affection.

I'm not angry with this couple for writing about their relationship. They have, it seems, dealt with some ignorant people and needed to clear the air. And if publishing on Yahoo! makes someone think that fat bodies aren't unlovable bodies, then great.

What I am angry at, however, is a society that makes this kind of thing necessary. I'm angry at the notion that fat people are so dehumanized that anyone who loves us but could "do better" needs to explain themselves. I'm angry that "do better" means "find someone thinner." I'm angry at the double standard that allows King of Queens and The Simpsons to show a fat husband and thin wife, but demands answers from a thin man attracted to fat women. I'm angry that this notion is so heteronormative and sexist that a woman's body is judged by whether or not men will like it.

I'm angry at the constant reminders that my body is some kind of circus act, that I'm what someone settles for when he can't do better (since my body probably means I'm grateful for whatever attention I can get). I'm angry that two consenting adults — any two consenting adults — can't just be together without having to answer invasive questions, including those about sex mechanics.

So how about when our friends or family members are in a relationship, or say that are interested in someone, we just take them at their word? Unless that person is a known serial killer or abuser, don't question someone's interests. Preferences are personal. They don't need to be headlines.

Say My Name Say My Name: Asking For Help Without Being Rude

As someone who has worked several retail and customer service jobs, I've seen a whole range of politeness. Some people are absolutely delightful, appreciative, and sweet. Others are, well, less so.

One of the things that can really set the tone for how an experience between a customer and an employee will go is the approach. How you ask a worker for assistance is extremely important, and will shape how helpful and polite they are to you (to a point, sometimes people are just in a bad mood or are coming off of helping someone else who was horrible).


The way you get their attention is vital, as are tone of voice and use of questions instead of declarations. If you shout from across the store, the employee is not going to be happy about it. If you don't actually get their attention and just start loudly asking questions, they may not even realize you are talking to them, and when they do, you'll have to start over. If you demand things instead of asking nicely, they will be less inclined to be helpful.

Approach the employee. Yes, this means walking over to them, not shouting from twenty feet away. Say "excuse me." If they are already helping someone else, say something like "when you're done, can you help me X?" If they are free, just ask them politely for whatever you need. Use a calm tone of voice. Say "please" and "thank you." If they can't find something, or they can't do something because of store policy, don't yell at them. Chances are, they did not implement the policy but they have to enforce it whether they like it or not if they want to keep their job (I wrote about this recently). Act like you are grateful for their help, not like you are doing them a favor by allowing them to run around doing things for you. If they tell you there is nothing left of an item/size/color, believe them. Chances are, they've recently been in the stock room looking for that and they aren't trying to pull a fast one or get out of working. Thank them for their help. Basically, just exercise common courtesy and don't treat them like they are beneath you because of where they work. 

Some places track the success of their employees. If the cashier asks who was helping you, that's what they are doing. In places like this, get the person's name. If you aren't sure whether or not the place will do this, just make a mental note of what they look like and what they are wearing, so you can describe them to the cashier just in case. If they did an especially impressive job, tell someone, preferably a manager.

Remember: working customer service is a demanding and frustrating job where employees often get condescended to and pushed around. You can be the difference between someone going home happy or crying to their roommate/friends/partner about how much they hate life and want to quit their job.

Courteous Eating: When Your Friend Has Special Dietary Needs

Disclaimer: I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who does not have allergies but has been a vegetarian for many years, and who currently eats vegan as much as possible.

It can be pretty tough to figure out where a large group is going to eat together. This gets harder when one or more people in the group have some kind of dietary need, like allergies or Celiac disease, or are veg*n (that's a combination word that lumps together vegan and vegetarian). And when you have a craving for a place that doesn't meet those needs, it can be frustrating.

But you have to adapt. As a general rule, people who will eat anything can have a meal that eliminates something. It won't hurt you to not eat nuts because someone is allergic, or to have a single gluten-free and/or veg*n meal. Really. I promise. But when the table is flipped it can cause serious problems. People with allergies, including gluten, can have severe health implications. Even people who are veg*n, even though it is technically a choice, can get sick from eating meat or dairy if their body is no longer used to processing it. It's just rude to deny someone health and comfort because you have a craving.

Trust me, being on the other side is awkward. I have felt very guilty in the past because I made my friends go to a couple of places before we found something I could eat. I don't want to make people I care about suffer, or be inconvenienced, but at the same time I am not going to compromise myself or sit there hungry. One would think that a compassionate person would never make their friend starve to satisfy their own desires, but you'd be surprised how many times I've had people argue about where we're going when I've said I can't eat somewhere.

We already do our best to be accommodating. As much as stupid jokes might fly around about veg*ns being smug and annoying, most of us just want to have dinner without conflict. So if someone says they have a need, even if you don't interpret it as such, honor it. Check ahead if a restaurant has veg or gluten free options, or if they can make things without allergens. And no, I don't just mean a side salad or "you can probably pick the chicken off." I mean food. I mean an entree. One that is made without meat/gluten/nuts/etc. It's just the nice thing to do, and trust me that your companion will appreciate it.

You can go out for a nut-encrusted steak with a side of gluteny bread tomorrow.

The Importance of Friendships, In Whatever Medium You See Fit

I have about 150 really close friends, and I've only met about a dozen of them.

No, really. Out of respect for privacy I won't say too much about most of them, but I'm in a particular Facebook group full of really amazing people that I consider better friends than many people I currently know in real life (sorry).

The group has been around for about two years, and in that time I've gotten to know these (mostly) women really, really well. I know, I know. A lot of people think you can never achieve the full bond of friendship through a computer. They could be anyone, posing as 20- or 30- somethings to infiltrate this band of buddies and then pounce when we let our guard down. They could be another incarnation of the Craigslist killer. They could be 14-year-old boys. They could be they could be they could be.

They aren't. I trust them all implicitly. Many of us have met in real life. Who has met whom depends on geography, but between living in a place lots of people visit and doing a little traveling myself, I've met many of my friends; even shared a hotel room with a couple of them. I have not been murdered, and no one is 14.

But that's beside the point. What matters is that I have a large group of people I feel close to, who are at the same time encouraging, supportive, hilarious, passionate, smart, and kind. They will call me out when I mess up, but support me in efforts to fix my mistakes.

I wish everyone could have access to friends like that, whether online or in real life. Having a support network is vital to success. And yes, you can get extremely close to people using a computer. Before I had met anyone in person, I still felt like this was a tight group. I don't feel any more distant from the people I have yet to see face-to-face. Everyone is important.

Polite Call-Outs

Sometimes people we know say terrible things. They may have a deep-seated prejudice they need to address, or they may simply be privileged enough that they don't realize certain things are hurtful.

There may be times when you cannot speak up (to your boss or the person who donates tons of money to your company, for example), and that's OK. You can't be expected to put your livelihood in jeopardy. But when it's a friend or family member, you may want to call them out.

First off, make sure you have some knowledge on the topic. If they challenge you, there's a chance you may need examples or arguments to back you up. You don't need to do a dissertation, but reading a few websites and learning some talking points can go a long way.

Next, you need to be sure to be polite and firm. People won't generally respond well if you are too argumentative (I realize there's a sort of double standard in making sure you're polite when the other person was offensive, but if you want them to listen it's for the best).

Clearly state what the problem is, preferable with "I" statements. "When you said X, I felt Y because Z." This may be where they push back and you need to have some more information in mind. But it's also perfectly acceptable to tell them to do their own research. You can't be expected to educate everyone, and it can be exhausting to try.

If the person accuses you of being the "PC police" just remember that there's nothing wrong with that. "PC" just means someone who prefers not to use language that can hurt and oppress groups of people, and that's a whole lot better than the alternative.

Pretend You Aren't an Introvert (Sometimes)

This is something I need to keep reminding myself. As a fairly extreme introvert, I'm perfectly happy spending an evening in. Or every evening in. But nothing ever changes if I always do the same thing.

I do need to meet people. The human experience includes friends, relationships, colleagues, and acquaintances. I can't advance my own life if I live in my little cell of a room.

So this is just me, saying I will get out more. I will go to concerts, or conferences, or little parties (I don't like the big ones). I will make an attempt to talk to people and not just stand in the corner (except maybe at the concerts where talking is nearly impossible).

I will not become a hermit.

Internet Arguments: Not Always Bad

I know! We've probably all been told to get off the computer and stop arguing with strangers. It's a waste of time, they say. You'll never change anyone's mind, they say.

A lot of the time that's completely true. Often when you get into a bickering match on an online forum, you're just going to get frustrated and spend a significant chunk of your day fuming to yourself over something some random person in East Jesus, Iowa, said about the Affordable Care Act and nothing productive will come of it.

Image credit: xkcd.

But. But! Sometimes they work out. First of all, they can actually be a good way to teach yourself what to avoid. Maybe you realize that half of your high school class hasn't actually outgrown the privileged mindset of their wealthy suburban upbringing the same way you have. So then you decide to remove the bulk of them from your friends list on Facebook. And now you only see things from people you actually want to stay in touch with instead of rolling your eyes and self-involved, judgmental drivel. I may or may not be speaking from experience here.

Secondly, sometimes you can strengthen friendships. Just like how deep heart-to-heart conversations in person can make you feel a tighter bond, so can online discussions. Without revealing too many details, I have a lot of friends with whom I mainly communicate via social media. I've gotten into arguments with them. Sometimes big ones. But we come through, and usually after the air has cleared and everyone has assessed their feelings, we've exchanged messages and come out closer than ever.

And last but not least, you can actually learn things about the world if you are willing to listen. Yes, sometimes you will be bickering over something stupid and the person you are fighting with will be completely obtuse. Those are the ones from which you should just walk away. But something you are the person who screwed up, and the argument is because of your defenses. If that happens, you have a chance to learn. Think about what people are saying. Think about what you said and how it may have been hurtful. Think about what you can do or say in the future not to have a repeat of this incident. Do that. Congratulations, you just grew as a person.

So, no. It's not always worth your time to have internet fights. But sometimes it is. What we should all be working on is knowing the difference between a waste of time and an opportunity. That's how we grow, and how we grow up.