This week marked the beginning of my summer semester. That probably doesn't seem like a huge deal -- I'm basically a professional student at this point -- but there was something about it that was pretty unnerving. I'm taking a class that is outside both my university and my subject area.
For my program, I have to take three classes of electives in a related field. I decided, since I'd like to focus my dissertation somehow on marginalized groups of people, that sociology would be the best choice for those courses. Unfortunately, my school doesn't offer that subject at the graduate level, so I had to take them elsewhere. The upside of this is that the school where I am going is in the CUNY system, and thus a whole lot cheaper than my private university.
It's also significantly closer to my apartment. I'm talking a 20-30 minute commute instead of two hours. But, as much as the distance to my regular classes sucks, I'm comfortable with the setting and the people. I've also been in the program for two years, so I feel as though I have a decent grasp on the subject area. All of that is out the window for the next several weeks.
New people. New setting. Less comfortable chairs. A subject area in which I have only a tenuous grasp. Administrative headaches so that the credits can be recognized and financial aid will still be disbursed. It's scary. But I'm confronting it. Which is something to be proud of.
I'm trying to acknowledge to myself when I do things that are brave. Going to a book club meeting a couple of weeks ago. Calling Medicaid for information. Taking a class in an unfamiliar setting. I'm hoping if I keep that all in mind I can develop confidence in myself.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Dissertations, Employment, and Other Terrifying Things
"I live in the present and am confident in the future."
I wrote that mantra in a notebook three times this morning, trying to make myself believe it. The only reason I stopped at three is because I didn't want to venture into "all work and no play make Jack a dull boy" territory; really, I need to write and think it a million times in a desperate attempt to internalize the message.
Recently, my therapist suggested I try affirmations to boost my confidence and self-esteem. She said that I could look in books or online for ideas if nothing original came to mind, and indeed, I pulled the one above off of some random website on the first page of results when you Google "affirmations."
I have trouble thinking about the future. Supposedly this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, which I never would have associated with myself because I never considered the years of struggling with depression and anxiety as PTSD until my shrink referred to them as such. I think it's common to associate PTSD with people who have survived events like war or assault, but traumas can be anything. Mine comes from having been bullied as a child, which still has an effect on my daily life even though it occurred 20 years ago. It's liberating to have this frame of reference for my issues, like they exist for a reason, and not because I'm broken or defective, which is how I've often felt in the past.
Planning has always been tough for me. The last time I had a concrete answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up?" was when I was about 5, and I think I wanted to be a ballerina-slash-veterinarian, or maybe a mermaid (actually I'd still kind of like to be a mermaid). Most of my college friends had some sort of dream and a plan to go with it. I cycled through four majors, and only landed on the one I finally graduated with -- psychology -- because I couldn't change again without delaying graduation. When I was working on my master's degree, I never had an answer to the question of what I wanted to do when I was out of school. Most of my classmates had something, but even half-formed, cobbled-together plans eluded me, and it always made me feel like I was missing out. I thought maybe it was a lack of passion for the field (journalism), but there are aspects that I love, and I still couldn't envision my future.
Now I'm working on a doctorate, and I do feel passionate about the field (information studies), but there are still questions I can't answer. I don't really have a reply when people ask why I chose my program -- I did so on a whim, as I tend to do when making major life decisions because I simply cannot see beyond what sounds good in the moment. I also am unable to tell you what I plan to do with the degree. Sure, I'd be comfortable in academia, but I could probably be happy in some other area.
When I try to envision myself in 5 or 10 years, I see nothing. It's a big black wall. I just recently, within the past couple of weeks, made a tentative plan for the rest of my coursework. If I can get everything worked out and take classes this summer, I should finish with classes a year from now, and take my comprehensive exam in fall 2015. Being able to say that is enormous progress, because last semester a professor asked when we were each planning to take the comps and I was the only one who hemmed and hawed and didn't have even a vague idea. I also decided on a broad topic for my dissertation so I can take the correct electives. Again, progress.
My whole existence is walls, or at least it feels that way. There's the black wall of my future. There's another, all around me, that prevents me from letting people in, making friendships and relationships really hard. It's time to knock them down. I think there are a few cracks in the black wall in front of me, but the other needs to go as well. I just need to make sure the whole building doesn't crumble as I do it.
I wrote that mantra in a notebook three times this morning, trying to make myself believe it. The only reason I stopped at three is because I didn't want to venture into "all work and no play make Jack a dull boy" territory; really, I need to write and think it a million times in a desperate attempt to internalize the message.
Recently, my therapist suggested I try affirmations to boost my confidence and self-esteem. She said that I could look in books or online for ideas if nothing original came to mind, and indeed, I pulled the one above off of some random website on the first page of results when you Google "affirmations."
I have trouble thinking about the future. Supposedly this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, which I never would have associated with myself because I never considered the years of struggling with depression and anxiety as PTSD until my shrink referred to them as such. I think it's common to associate PTSD with people who have survived events like war or assault, but traumas can be anything. Mine comes from having been bullied as a child, which still has an effect on my daily life even though it occurred 20 years ago. It's liberating to have this frame of reference for my issues, like they exist for a reason, and not because I'm broken or defective, which is how I've often felt in the past.
Planning has always been tough for me. The last time I had a concrete answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up?" was when I was about 5, and I think I wanted to be a ballerina-slash-veterinarian, or maybe a mermaid (actually I'd still kind of like to be a mermaid). Most of my college friends had some sort of dream and a plan to go with it. I cycled through four majors, and only landed on the one I finally graduated with -- psychology -- because I couldn't change again without delaying graduation. When I was working on my master's degree, I never had an answer to the question of what I wanted to do when I was out of school. Most of my classmates had something, but even half-formed, cobbled-together plans eluded me, and it always made me feel like I was missing out. I thought maybe it was a lack of passion for the field (journalism), but there are aspects that I love, and I still couldn't envision my future.
Now I'm working on a doctorate, and I do feel passionate about the field (information studies), but there are still questions I can't answer. I don't really have a reply when people ask why I chose my program -- I did so on a whim, as I tend to do when making major life decisions because I simply cannot see beyond what sounds good in the moment. I also am unable to tell you what I plan to do with the degree. Sure, I'd be comfortable in academia, but I could probably be happy in some other area.
When I try to envision myself in 5 or 10 years, I see nothing. It's a big black wall. I just recently, within the past couple of weeks, made a tentative plan for the rest of my coursework. If I can get everything worked out and take classes this summer, I should finish with classes a year from now, and take my comprehensive exam in fall 2015. Being able to say that is enormous progress, because last semester a professor asked when we were each planning to take the comps and I was the only one who hemmed and hawed and didn't have even a vague idea. I also decided on a broad topic for my dissertation so I can take the correct electives. Again, progress.
My whole existence is walls, or at least it feels that way. There's the black wall of my future. There's another, all around me, that prevents me from letting people in, making friendships and relationships really hard. It's time to knock them down. I think there are a few cracks in the black wall in front of me, but the other needs to go as well. I just need to make sure the whole building doesn't crumble as I do it.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sell Out With Me Oh Yeah
As an angsty teenage punk rocker, I learned that one of the worst things you could do was sell out. It meant you had no soul, that you only cared about money and not your ~*~*art*~*~ or whatever.
I'm not sure exactly how I was defining the phrase, or where the line was that you crossed to become a sell-out, though. Was anyone who made decent money doing something a sell-out, or was it only if you compromised yourself for it? Where did natural changes that come with age and maturity factor in?
I was a teenager, so I didn't really have answers.
What I knew was that selling out was bad. It made you an awful person who only cared about money, etc.
What I know now is that I really, really want to sell out.
Maybe it's age, maybe it's time spent not being able to pay my own rent or have any luxuries, but I no longer feel the need to live in poverty to prove anything. I want to have my own life with rent and food and pets and nice things.
I'm working on a PhD. Hopefully that will lead to a job that pays well. I am not ashamed to have that as my goal. A nice, comfortable life is important, and there's nothing wrong with seeking it.
I'm not sure exactly how I was defining the phrase, or where the line was that you crossed to become a sell-out, though. Was anyone who made decent money doing something a sell-out, or was it only if you compromised yourself for it? Where did natural changes that come with age and maturity factor in?
I was a teenager, so I didn't really have answers.
What I knew was that selling out was bad. It made you an awful person who only cared about money, etc.
What I know now is that I really, really want to sell out.
Maybe it's age, maybe it's time spent not being able to pay my own rent or have any luxuries, but I no longer feel the need to live in poverty to prove anything. I want to have my own life with rent and food and pets and nice things.
I'm working on a PhD. Hopefully that will lead to a job that pays well. I am not ashamed to have that as my goal. A nice, comfortable life is important, and there's nothing wrong with seeking it.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Travel Time!
Ack, I'm leaving for Spain today! I'm really excited and nervous and just sort of a ball of feelings and preparations. Fortunately, as you can see above, the quality assurance team was on hand to inspect my luggage for me.
Amazingly enough, I feel really prepared. Usually before I go on a trip I am frantic and run around thinking I forgot something, but not today. I'm still getting the last things together, but I'm not too worried. It doesn't hurt that I'm going to a city where I could probably find something if I forgot it. Plus, assuming high school didn't completely fail me, I speak some of the language. That barrier has made me nervous when I've traveled internationally before, so it's nice that yo hablo español.
I'm not even too scared about giving a presentation. Honestly my biggest concern is the fact that I'm presenting early in the morning and may still have some jet lag! I did this paper for a class last semester, so I've presented it before, and had feedback so I knew what needed to be fixed. It's almost like my class presentation was a dress rehearsal! Don't tell the professor I said that, haha.
It kind of sucks that I have to miss classes, but I've been working hard to get ahead so I don't fall behind. Plus, the week after I return is spring break so I can catch back up on anything I miss.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Big news!
I wrote a paper for my class last semester about the ways people share information differently between social media and dating sites.
And...
...
...
It was accepted into a conference in Madrid! I'm going to be traveling to Spain at the end of the month. Hooray!
And...
...
...
It was accepted into a conference in Madrid! I'm going to be traveling to Spain at the end of the month. Hooray!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Oh Right, School
Well, it's that time again. My classes have started up for the semester, making me a lot busier and a little more frantic than before. I'm also working a few days a week at the Brooklyn campus library -- which means I get the nice GA position without the two-hour commute.
I'm taking two classes again -- Information Retrieval and Information and Society -- and they're both interesting to varying degrees of difficulty. I&S is what I would usually consider to be up my alley. It's theoretical, talks about widespread implications, and incorporates psych, sociology, and politics. If that doesn't scream "Liza," I don't know what does.
IR is a lot more technical and tricky. But I still think it's going to be good! The subject matter is actually quite interesting. I'm just not used to seeing equations. I haven't taken math since undergrad, and even then I barely squeaked by. But fortunately the professor said we don't really need to memorize the mathematical parts; we're mostly going to focus on the theory.
As far as professors go, I really like them both. My righteous feminist side loves that they're both women, and I find them each easy to listen to and understand. Not that I had any issues last year, of course.
On a more personal, non-school note, my anxiety has been flaring up monstrously this past week. I believe it's fueled by some personal stuff and is finding new and creative ways to manifest itself. But I'll save those for a later post.
I'm taking two classes again -- Information Retrieval and Information and Society -- and they're both interesting to varying degrees of difficulty. I&S is what I would usually consider to be up my alley. It's theoretical, talks about widespread implications, and incorporates psych, sociology, and politics. If that doesn't scream "Liza," I don't know what does.
IR is a lot more technical and tricky. But I still think it's going to be good! The subject matter is actually quite interesting. I'm just not used to seeing equations. I haven't taken math since undergrad, and even then I barely squeaked by. But fortunately the professor said we don't really need to memorize the mathematical parts; we're mostly going to focus on the theory.
As far as professors go, I really like them both. My righteous feminist side loves that they're both women, and I find them each easy to listen to and understand. Not that I had any issues last year, of course.
On a more personal, non-school note, my anxiety has been flaring up monstrously this past week. I believe it's fueled by some personal stuff and is finding new and creative ways to manifest itself. But I'll save those for a later post.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
When It Rains, It Pours, and Other Cliches About Happiness
I have been pretty busy for the last month or so. I started a new job, a summer class, and I moved to a new place. Whew!
I've decided to withdraw from the class for multiple reasons, financial and otherwise, but aside from that (and I have another post planned on the subject) everything is pretty great for me right now.
Two of my chief sources of unhappiness in recent years have been my inability to find enjoyable employment and the fact that I was still staying with my parents. Both of those things seemed like insurmountable problems, and I often felt I was collapsing under the weight of them.
The tide started to turn in early April, when I replied to a listserv email (I posted about this already) about a room. I finally moved in during the first weekend in May, and have settled nicely. I like my roommates (human and feline alike), it's a great location, and the space is a good one.
In addition to preparing to move, I was also hunting for a different job. While my previous position at the school library was perfectly alright, the distance and commute were making me unhappy. Then, again, fate happened. My mother forwarded a post to me from the Purl Bee, saying that the knitting and fabric shop Purl Soho was hiring. What you had to do to apply was go to the store before opening one Saturday, with a resume and some crafty samples, and talk to the managers. So I did. And they invited me back for a second interview the following week, which was a bit more of a practical test where I had to recommend yarns for a pattern and organize fabrics by color. Well, I must have done all of that right because they hired me!
So now on top of having my own space in a cute apartment in a great neighborhood, I have a part-time job at a really nice store, working with pretty great people and talking about something I love to do. Sure, I come home with aching feet, but I also come home smiling.
I haven't felt good about my life in a long time. It's a feeling I don't always know how to handle, but I like it. Sometimes, I catch myself smiling for no reason, which is something that never used to happen. It's a nice new development.
I've decided to withdraw from the class for multiple reasons, financial and otherwise, but aside from that (and I have another post planned on the subject) everything is pretty great for me right now.
Two of my chief sources of unhappiness in recent years have been my inability to find enjoyable employment and the fact that I was still staying with my parents. Both of those things seemed like insurmountable problems, and I often felt I was collapsing under the weight of them.
The tide started to turn in early April, when I replied to a listserv email (I posted about this already) about a room. I finally moved in during the first weekend in May, and have settled nicely. I like my roommates (human and feline alike), it's a great location, and the space is a good one.
In addition to preparing to move, I was also hunting for a different job. While my previous position at the school library was perfectly alright, the distance and commute were making me unhappy. Then, again, fate happened. My mother forwarded a post to me from the Purl Bee, saying that the knitting and fabric shop Purl Soho was hiring. What you had to do to apply was go to the store before opening one Saturday, with a resume and some crafty samples, and talk to the managers. So I did. And they invited me back for a second interview the following week, which was a bit more of a practical test where I had to recommend yarns for a pattern and organize fabrics by color. Well, I must have done all of that right because they hired me!
So now on top of having my own space in a cute apartment in a great neighborhood, I have a part-time job at a really nice store, working with pretty great people and talking about something I love to do. Sure, I come home with aching feet, but I also come home smiling.
I haven't felt good about my life in a long time. It's a feeling I don't always know how to handle, but I like it. Sometimes, I catch myself smiling for no reason, which is something that never used to happen. It's a nice new development.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Summer Reading List
With my semester ending this week, I will finally have time to read for fun. So I've decided to make a list of the books I'd like to tackle this summer, which I've compiled into a list on Goodreads (feel free to friend me!) as well as below.
1. Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin
2. Four to Score - Janet Evanovich
3. At Times I Almost Dream - Amy E. Yergen
4. The Casual Vacancy - J.K. Rowling
5. Cinderella Ate My Daughter - Peggy Orenstein
6. The Eleventh Plague - Jeff Hirsch
7. The Golden Compass - Philip Pullman
8. Legend - Marie Lu
9. Lady X's Cowboy - Zoe Archer
10. Hot & Heavy - Virgie Tovar
I will likely also tackle some school-related items, like The Content Analysis Handbook and a review of what we read this year, but I'm looking forward to some novels as well.
1. Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin
2. Four to Score - Janet Evanovich
3. At Times I Almost Dream - Amy E. Yergen
4. The Casual Vacancy - J.K. Rowling
5. Cinderella Ate My Daughter - Peggy Orenstein
6. The Eleventh Plague - Jeff Hirsch
7. The Golden Compass - Philip Pullman
8. Legend - Marie Lu
9. Lady X's Cowboy - Zoe Archer
10. Hot & Heavy - Virgie Tovar
I will likely also tackle some school-related items, like The Content Analysis Handbook and a review of what we read this year, but I'm looking forward to some novels as well.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Remembering and Forgetting Online
For one of my classes I'm reading a book by Viktor Mayer-Schonberger called Delete: The Virtue of Forgetting in the Digital Age. It covers many different aspects of forgetting and remembering, and how a switch to digital media has altered the way humans do that, but one thing that struck me is the age-old (or digital-age-old) debate about how social networking can affect our professional lives.
Early in the book we are introduced to a woman who was denied a teaching license because she had a picture of herself on her MySpace page wearing a pirate hat and holding a drink. There are plenty of people out there who would say, well, then she shouldn't be posting pictures like that online. Anyone can see them and you deserve what you get and so on. It's the same argument that comes about when you hear of someone being fired for complaining about their job on their own Facebook page.
I hate that argument. A lot. See, if this woman was in the process of obtaining a teaching license, she had to at least be old enough to be through college. Unless she's a Dougie Howser-style genius, she's probably in her mid-twenties. Certainly of legal drinking age. Now, a review of the book mentions that there may have been other factors in her denial for a license than just the photo, however, it shouldn't have been a factor at all. Personal activity, unless illegal or wildly unethical (no, drinking does not count as unethical, nor does profanity or consensual adult sex), ought not to be held against people who are otherwise qualified.
Many of our interactions happen online. I'll be posting tomorrow about internet-based friendships. So, naturally, that's where our conversations about work or our photos from parties will end up. Before, yes, they may have stayed confined to a phone conversation or personal scrapbook, but people were still behaving the same way. Just because these things are easier to find doesn't mean it's alright to use them against people.
The job market is awful right now. It's really bad. I don't have to tell anyone that. Employers are at such an advantage that they can put applicants through intense, rigorous, borderline ridiculous screening processes for pretty low-level positions. As it already is, we have to be nearly perfect to even get our resumes considered for anything other than the circular file. Companies should not be adding to this by scrutinizing what we post as normal daily activities. It places an unprecedented and undue burden of perfection on people. But people aren't perfect. We never have been. We aren't doing anything different than we did in the analog age; we just have a new way of documenting it. Holding things against us that would easily have been ignorable before just creates a standard no one can live up to.
Let people have their privacy. Just because a profile is there doesn't mean it needs to be seen by everyone. We have a right to a personal, non-professional life. Assuming legality and ethics, the two need not inhibit each other.
Early in the book we are introduced to a woman who was denied a teaching license because she had a picture of herself on her MySpace page wearing a pirate hat and holding a drink. There are plenty of people out there who would say, well, then she shouldn't be posting pictures like that online. Anyone can see them and you deserve what you get and so on. It's the same argument that comes about when you hear of someone being fired for complaining about their job on their own Facebook page.
I hate that argument. A lot. See, if this woman was in the process of obtaining a teaching license, she had to at least be old enough to be through college. Unless she's a Dougie Howser-style genius, she's probably in her mid-twenties. Certainly of legal drinking age. Now, a review of the book mentions that there may have been other factors in her denial for a license than just the photo, however, it shouldn't have been a factor at all. Personal activity, unless illegal or wildly unethical (no, drinking does not count as unethical, nor does profanity or consensual adult sex), ought not to be held against people who are otherwise qualified.
Many of our interactions happen online. I'll be posting tomorrow about internet-based friendships. So, naturally, that's where our conversations about work or our photos from parties will end up. Before, yes, they may have stayed confined to a phone conversation or personal scrapbook, but people were still behaving the same way. Just because these things are easier to find doesn't mean it's alright to use them against people.
The job market is awful right now. It's really bad. I don't have to tell anyone that. Employers are at such an advantage that they can put applicants through intense, rigorous, borderline ridiculous screening processes for pretty low-level positions. As it already is, we have to be nearly perfect to even get our resumes considered for anything other than the circular file. Companies should not be adding to this by scrutinizing what we post as normal daily activities. It places an unprecedented and undue burden of perfection on people. But people aren't perfect. We never have been. We aren't doing anything different than we did in the analog age; we just have a new way of documenting it. Holding things against us that would easily have been ignorable before just creates a standard no one can live up to.
Let people have their privacy. Just because a profile is there doesn't mean it needs to be seen by everyone. We have a right to a personal, non-professional life. Assuming legality and ethics, the two need not inhibit each other.
Monday, March 25, 2013
10 Things You Don't Have to Change or Apologize For
There are so many things you have to either change or suppress about yourself to get ahead (or just get by) in this world that it can be overwhelming. But there are many things you should never, ever apologize for, or change for anyone else.
10. Your hobbies.
As long as you aren't hurting anyone, what you do in your free time is your own business.
9. Where you were born.
It's important to learn something from your home town, but you can't change where you come from.
8. Your taste in music.
It has no bearing on who you are as a person or employee.
7. Your accent.
Related to where you were born, it's a part of you, and people need to stop stereotyping based on speech.
6. Your socioeconomic status.
There are so many factors that contribute to that and it's cruel for anyone to hold it against you. Just make sure you stay aware of your privileges.
5. Your health.
Physical or mental. You have to take care of yourself, and do your best to demand your work and friends respect your needs.
4. Your marital or family status.
Whether you tied the knot at 19 or are still single at 45, it's your business alone. Same goes for kids. Whether or not you have or want them is none of anyone else's concern.
3. Your race.
Obviously.
2. Your gender identity or sexual orientation.
Anyone who asks you to hide or change that is a bigot.
1. Your body.
Height, weight, shape, color, and so on. No one should be discriminating against how you look.
10. Your hobbies.
As long as you aren't hurting anyone, what you do in your free time is your own business.
9. Where you were born.
It's important to learn something from your home town, but you can't change where you come from.
8. Your taste in music.
It has no bearing on who you are as a person or employee.
7. Your accent.
Related to where you were born, it's a part of you, and people need to stop stereotyping based on speech.
6. Your socioeconomic status.
There are so many factors that contribute to that and it's cruel for anyone to hold it against you. Just make sure you stay aware of your privileges.
5. Your health.
Physical or mental. You have to take care of yourself, and do your best to demand your work and friends respect your needs.
4. Your marital or family status.
Whether you tied the knot at 19 or are still single at 45, it's your business alone. Same goes for kids. Whether or not you have or want them is none of anyone else's concern.
3. Your race.
Obviously.
2. Your gender identity or sexual orientation.
Anyone who asks you to hide or change that is a bigot.
1. Your body.
Height, weight, shape, color, and so on. No one should be discriminating against how you look.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Spring Break...Sort Of
I'm on spring break this week. Unfortunately, in the adultish world of a Ph.D. student, that means very little.
Sure, I'm saved the two nights when I physically have to be in class. But other than that, everything is the same. I still have reading to do. I still have research papers to work on. And, most notably, I still have to get up at 6 a.m. and get to work on the same days.
What does this have to do with being adultish? It's just a reminder that while breaks are nice, responsibilities continue, so we need to find a balance between allowing for a little relaxation without abandoning the work that needs to be done.
Sure, I'm saved the two nights when I physically have to be in class. But other than that, everything is the same. I still have reading to do. I still have research papers to work on. And, most notably, I still have to get up at 6 a.m. and get to work on the same days.
What does this have to do with being adultish? It's just a reminder that while breaks are nice, responsibilities continue, so we need to find a balance between allowing for a little relaxation without abandoning the work that needs to be done.
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