From the Archive: Public Fatness

"From the Archive" is a series of posts that I wrote on past, no-longer-updated blogs that I feel are good enough to need a new home.

This post was originally written in June 2012.

So, I hear all the time about fat people being subjected to harassment and ridicule for daring to be out among the general population. For some reason, it hadn't really happened to me (as an adult, let's not get into childhood bullies). OK, once a guy told me I needed to exercise more, but it was a cheap comeback because I yelled at him for riding his bike on the pedestrian path on the Manhattan Bridge. I'd never experienced an unprovoked attack until today.

See this guy? I was standing on the F train today, with my dad, headed to Coney Island for the Mermaid Parade (my dad was headed elsewhere). I had my earphones in, enjoying some quality time with most recent SFH album, when my dad pointed to this guy and said "I think he'd trying to tell you something." So I took out my earphones and looked over. The guy made a little running motion, then mouthed "one hour, every morning."


It clicked that he was telling me I needed to exercise more. So, loudly, I said "Are you telling me I'm fat?" Obviously, I am, and I know that, but I thought that would catch the attention of more people around us. My dad was like, "Is that really what he said?" So I (still loudly) said "He's telling me I need to go running every morning."

So I turned to the guy and said (yes, still loudly, and well enunciated) "That's none of your business." He got a little flustered and apologetic, but I continued, "You don't just make comments on random strangers' bodies."

At that point we arrived at the stop where my dad was getting off, and after I said goodbye to him I moved to another part of the car. But I also took this picture, because people who harass others on the subway don't deserve anonymity. If I knew this guy's name I'd say it. I'd tag it and post it everywhere, so whenever someone Googled him this came up. But I don't know his name, so all I have is a picture.

It's just another reminder that if you dare to be fat in public -- especially if you are a woman -- your body is not yours. There are people who think that because you are out of the norm, you should hear their opinion and "suggestions" for your body and your life. Because they assume they can tell how you live based solely on how much adipose tissue resides on your body. Of course, this happened in a city that wants to legislate away fat through arbitrary things like soda and bake sale bans.

Luckily, I am very confident in my body -- the one I've been living in for 28 30 years. I know that I am fat. I know my lifestyle, my health, my limits. I am not going to share any of that, because it's no one's business but mine. But because I am content with myself, I look back at this incident horrified at this guy's gall, but not feeling any worse about myself. If I were more sensitive about my appearance, this might have ruined my day. I hope he's never done that to anyone who might really suffer a blow to their self-esteem from it.

Don't Fat-Shame. Really, Just Don't Do It.

Seriously. Just don't fat-shame.

There's no point to it. It doesn't make people magically thinner. Being magically thinner wouldn't make people magically healthier. It doesn't make you superior. It doesn't do anything positive.

All it does it promote bigotry. It makes people hate themselves. It reveals that you are an ugly and small-minded individual full of prejudice.

It's worse for fat people than actually being fat. It's degrading to mental health. It promotes stereotypes. Stereotypes have real implications.

It leads to fat people being hired less. It leads to fat people hearing rude comments shouted at them from cars. It makes people feel awful.

It hides behind some veil of "helping." People who fat-shame get away with it because they think they're encouraging fat people to de-fat themselves. And apparently de-fatting is the be all and end all of...something.

But it just causes pain. It leads to depression and isolation and prejudice. It causes nothing good and everything bad.

So just don't do it.

Respect and Big Life Decisions

Recently a friend linked to an article by the lovely Jen Kirkman called Stop Telling Me I'll "Change My Mind" About Wanting Kids. It is great, and articulates many of my own thoughts and views on the subject.

As someone who has no interest in procreating but is still relatively young, I still get told I will change my mind when I talk about not wanting kids. I can't even count the ways that this is rude, demeaning, and condescending. OK, I'll try.

First of all, it's none of your business why someone wants kids or doesn't, if they will change their mind, or what they would do in the case of an accidental pregnancy. If someone mentions in conversation that they don't plan to reproduce, that's not an invitation to start grilling them about reasons. It's a big decision, and an extremely personal one. Plus, your questions could be extremely painful if this person is infertile.

Telling someone they will change their mind is absolutely horrible. You are basically saying that you don't respect the decisions they have made about their own life based on something like their age, their marital status, or their living situation. Even if it's not what you would do, even if it's not the socially accepted life plan, you have to realize that individuals know their desires and their needs better than anyone else.

Plus, think about it this way: would you tell a young pregnant person that she is going to change her mind? What if the baby comes and they regret becoming a parent? I hope that doesn't happen much, because I'd hate for a child to grow up feeling unwanted. Yes, I care about children having good lives even though I don't want my own. But really, the average age for first pregnancy in the U.S. is 25. I'm four years past that. I would think if a 25-year-old can have her decision to bear children respected, a 29-year-old should be able to expect the same of her decision not to.

And if, by some strange twist of fate, I or anyone else does change their mind, so what? It would mean I arrived at a new decision through thought and careful consideration. And in turn, that would mean I would be prepared for the ramifications of said decision and sure of what I want. It's unlikely to happen, but I fail to see how someone has taken the massive task of parenting under careful consideration before choosing to do it is a bad thing.

The bottom line is, people get to make their own choices about their lives. Assuming they aren't hurting anyone, everyone else needs to respect what others do. Telling someone they will change their mind is not respect. It's condescension, and it's a pretty immature and rude thing to do.

Say My Name Say My Name: Asking For Help Without Being Rude

As someone who has worked several retail and customer service jobs, I've seen a whole range of politeness. Some people are absolutely delightful, appreciative, and sweet. Others are, well, less so.

One of the things that can really set the tone for how an experience between a customer and an employee will go is the approach. How you ask a worker for assistance is extremely important, and will shape how helpful and polite they are to you (to a point, sometimes people are just in a bad mood or are coming off of helping someone else who was horrible).


The way you get their attention is vital, as are tone of voice and use of questions instead of declarations. If you shout from across the store, the employee is not going to be happy about it. If you don't actually get their attention and just start loudly asking questions, they may not even realize you are talking to them, and when they do, you'll have to start over. If you demand things instead of asking nicely, they will be less inclined to be helpful.

Approach the employee. Yes, this means walking over to them, not shouting from twenty feet away. Say "excuse me." If they are already helping someone else, say something like "when you're done, can you help me X?" If they are free, just ask them politely for whatever you need. Use a calm tone of voice. Say "please" and "thank you." If they can't find something, or they can't do something because of store policy, don't yell at them. Chances are, they did not implement the policy but they have to enforce it whether they like it or not if they want to keep their job (I wrote about this recently). Act like you are grateful for their help, not like you are doing them a favor by allowing them to run around doing things for you. If they tell you there is nothing left of an item/size/color, believe them. Chances are, they've recently been in the stock room looking for that and they aren't trying to pull a fast one or get out of working. Thank them for their help. Basically, just exercise common courtesy and don't treat them like they are beneath you because of where they work. 

Some places track the success of their employees. If the cashier asks who was helping you, that's what they are doing. In places like this, get the person's name. If you aren't sure whether or not the place will do this, just make a mental note of what they look like and what they are wearing, so you can describe them to the cashier just in case. If they did an especially impressive job, tell someone, preferably a manager.

Remember: working customer service is a demanding and frustrating job where employees often get condescended to and pushed around. You can be the difference between someone going home happy or crying to their roommate/friends/partner about how much they hate life and want to quit their job.

Phone Calls, Anxiety, and Picking Your Battles

I hate the person who yells at waitstaff for a mistake the kitchen made. Or the person who yells at a cashier for upholding a storewide policy they didn't create. It's that whole "don't shoot the messenger" thing and it's incredibly rude and short-sighted.

It can be really hard not to immediately unload your frustrations on the person who is sending them your way; I get that. But it's not alright to do so.

This comes up because of something that happened (or, really, didn't happen) this week. I was running low on my prescription, and I called my doctor's office to get them to call a new set of refills into my pharmacy. I get really anxious when I make phone calls, and I have to psych myself up to do each one, so this wasn't easy. The first time I called was Wednesday, and I had two or three pills left, which I told the receptionist. My doctor wasn't in the office that day, but would be the next, so if she couldn't get someone else on staff to sign off, she'd call it in Thursday.

As of Friday morning the pharmacy had nothing. So I called back. Left a message. Waited a couple of hours, checked with my pharmacy and still, nope. So I called again. It was an answering service, who said maybe the doctor was just out to lunch, so I left another message. I took a shower, had lunch, read a little, and about two hours later I called again.

It was the answering service, who this time said maybe they had closed early for the holiday weekend. My frustrations bubbled up, and I came very close to unloading on this poor woman named Bambi who had answered the phone.

I started to, saying "yeah, well I've been trying to get this done since Wednesday." But I stopped myself, because there was no point in yelling at Bambi. She worked for an answering service; she has no control over what my doctor's office had been doing (or decidedly NOT doing) all week. So I just  said there was no point in leaving another message, thanked her, and hung up.

The merits of walking away (or hanging up) can be great. Beyond being concerned for others and general courtesy, when you yell at someone, you make them less likely to help you solve your problem. To use cliches, why burn a bridge or shoot a messenger when you don't have to? When something can't be fixed, excuse yourself, work on a new solution, and maybe just complain about it to your friends. That can go a long way.

By the way, my pharmacist was nice enough to give me four pills to get me through the next couple of days. The battle resumes Monday.

10 Things You Don't Have to Change or Apologize For

There are so many things you have to either change or suppress about yourself to get ahead (or just get by) in this world that it can be overwhelming. But there are many things you should never, ever apologize for, or change for anyone else.

10. Your hobbies. 
As long as you aren't hurting anyone, what you do in your free time is your own business.

9. Where you were born.
It's important to learn something from your home town, but you can't change where you come from.

8. Your taste in music.
It has no bearing on who you are as a person or employee.

7. Your accent.
Related to where you were born, it's a part of you, and people need to stop stereotyping based on speech.

6. Your socioeconomic status.
There are so many factors that contribute to that and it's cruel for anyone to hold it against you. Just make sure you stay aware of your privileges.

5. Your health.
Physical or mental. You have to take care of yourself, and do your best to demand your work and friends respect your needs.

4. Your marital or family status.
Whether you tied the knot at 19 or are still single at 45, it's your business alone. Same goes for kids. Whether or not you have or want them is none of anyone else's concern.

3. Your race.
Obviously.

2. Your gender identity or sexual orientation. 
Anyone who asks you to hide or change that is a bigot.

1. Your body.
Height, weight, shape, color, and so on. No one should be discriminating against how you look.

Thank You Cards

Thank you notes are one of those very adult, polite things that everyone should do. I know I need to be better about it. I write them sometimes, but often I forget or simply don't have time. But they're important, so I've compiled a few cute note cards that you can get to keep on hand. It might also be worthwhile to invest in some forever stamps to keep with them so there's no excuse not to send.

Papyrus, $14.95 for 16 cards with envelopes

Papyrus, $12.95 for 20 cards with envelopes

Papyrus, $14.95 for 12 cards with envelopes

Etsy, $8.00 for 4 cards with envelopes

Etsy, $10.00 for 8 cards with envelopes

Something I noticed while looking for these cards: often the simple designs are described as "masculine" and "for men." That's silly, of course. A simple, straightforward design without a lot of frill is going to be versatile to have on hand, good for responding to everything from gifts to job interviews, regardless of the recipient's gender.