Chamber Ensemble: Survival Tool

A few weeks ago, I started playing my flute again, something I haven't done since graduating from college in 2006. I joined the Classical Fusion Chamber Ensemble, a community orchestra that meets weekly in Manhattan.

I'm not really sure what made me want to play again. Maybe it was the stress of school. Maybe I associate band with a social life, since that's where I made almost all of my friends in high school and college. Maybe it had something to do with turning 30 and getting nostalgic. Whatever it was, earlier this fall I realized I had an intense craving to make music again, so I started looking around for amateur community groups to join.

I landed on CFCE because their repertoire was a fun combination of popular and classic pieces and, possibly more importantly, they didn't require an audition. I mean, I used to be really good, but that was more than seven years ago.

In the three rehearsals I've been to, I've noticed something: I don't worry or think about school or any other obligations while I'm there. It's great. I have this chunk of a few hours every week when my mind is totally distracted and occupied by something fun.

This is the sort of thing I really needed. It's like I get a total reset once a week. I'm hoping it will help me in the long run to manage my anxiety levels.

Lacto-Ovo-Guilto

Earlier this year, I embarked on a one-month experiment with veganism. I survived, felt great, and actually continued a few weeks past my end date, but ultimately I began adding egg and dairy products back into my diet.

And I kind of hate myself for it.

The main reason I stopped eating meat half a lifetime ago (seriously! I was 15, and now I'm 30) was because of a love of animals. Well, that and a Silverchair song. But mostly the animals.

As it is, I do my best to avoid leather products so I'm not wearing animals anymore. So how can I justify eating dairy and eggs? The animals may not be killed for them, but the process is cruel and inhumane, except maybe for the most tiny and ethical of independent farmers.

I keep thinking I should re-assume veganism. It wasn't that serious a leap when I did it back in February. My only concern is that the strictness of the rules made some old dieter feelings bubble near the surface. I'd like to be able to do this, but I need to figure out a way not to become disordered in my thinking and eating.

So I will likely progress slowly, cutting things out here and there. I'd like to do this for my body and the planet, but I can't sacrifice my mind in the process.

I Will Not Excuse My Body

I'm sure by now you've seen, or at least heard of, that "what's your excuse?" thinspo* photo. If not, it's a conventionally attractive, thin woman wearing workout attire with her three kids around her and the caption "What's your excuse?" Basically, she's trying to say that if she has three little boys and still makes it to the gym, everyone else should, too.

Except, no.

See, no one should have to excuse their existence. The word "excuse" implies that you're trying to justify something bad. You need an excuse to miss work. You provide an excuse when you apologize for wronging someone. You don't need an excuse to do you.

I recently submitted this photo to the Don't Need an Excuse blog:

They haven't posted it yet.

The blog is doing a great thing, but I hate the idea that anyone feels they need to excuse or justify themselves because of one random lady in a photo.

I don't have the time to spend hours every day in a gym. I don't have the desire to, either. I like to exercise, but don't need to do it constantly. If you don't like to exercise, that's fine, too. My priority right now is school. Then work. Then pretending to have some kind of social human existence. I'll find time to go swim some laps if I feel like it, but I also won't beat myself up if I don't.

We just need to stop policing each other. No one owes you a reason or excuse for the choices they make with their own body. Focus on whatever is important to you. If it's exercise, fine, but if not, that's also perfectly alright. Let's cut out the shame and just live our lives.

*I'm calling it thinspo and not fitspo because the photo only exhibited the woman's appearance. There was nothing to indicate she was any fitter than anyone else.

Skipping 2013's NaNoWriMo

I've participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) for the past two years.

In 2011, I actually won -- that is, I finished writing 50,000 words in November. That doesn't mean the finished product is actually any good, or that I'll be the next big thing in writers. It just means I spewed forth enough content to make a roughly 100 page novel (or maybe at that length it's still a novella).

That first year, I went in without a plan. I had an opening line ("All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a goddamn muffin.") and nothing else. I was pantsing it, as it were. Flying by the seat of my pants, no direction, no set end in site. What came out was a probably-cliché mystery about an aging rock star, his missing son, and the formerly-depressed writer/fangirl helping him.

It's not hard to figure out that my protagonist (Agatha) was a fictionalized version of myself -- she was chubby with red hair, a writer, and like me in 2011, had recently come out of a serious depressive episode that damaged relationships.  It's the kind of fluffy little story that could probably sell decently as a low-priced Kindle-only release. And maybe I should put the time and effort into editing it so it can be published. I don't know. I've never let anyone else see it, so I don't know how to gauge if it's actually entertaining.

Last year, I had more of a plan. I started with an opening line, again ("There used to be a waterfall"), but I had also sketched out a quasi-outline and some characters. It was going to be an epic dystopian trilogy, a la The Hunger Games, Matched, or Divergent. Hopefully with sales and movie deals to follow suit. There would be enough social commentary to make me feel good (Overt feminism! Anti-deregulation of businesses! Teenagers that have sex and don't become completely damaged by it!) and possibly get it banned from high school libraries in at least a few of the red states. It was going to be awesome.

I didn't finish. School got in the way. I swore that I'd use my free time over the summer to work on it, but that didn't happen either. Now it's been more than a year since I started and I haven't progressed past where I was at the end of November 2012.

I've often wondered why it is that I can churn out nearly 2,000 words each day in November but my work languishes untouched for the other 11 months of the year. I guess I thrive on the pressure and the social aspect (you can log your progress on the NaNoWriMo website, plus chat with locals, and I'm in a small NaNo group with some friends on Facebook), which doesn't exist the rest of the year.

If only NaNoWriMo were at a different time of year, maybe I'd be more successful. I get that November is when the weather turns cold and makes people want to stay indoors. But it's also the time when people are preparing for the holidays and finishing up their fall semesters. The first NaNoWriMo, back in 1999, happened in July. I like that. I think that would be more fair to people who are in school. Much like how November's chilly rain makes you want to escape inside to a warm laptop and your heater, July sends you running for the air conditioner. It just seems like a better option.


So I guess what I need to do is participate in Camp NaNoWriMo. It's smaller, though, and people in my private writing group don't seem to participate. It's not the main event, so it doesn't have the same widespread push and publicity.

But maybe I'll try it out. It could be just enough peer pressure to keep me honest.

Are we really doing this again, Facebook?

Remember back when it took a media shaming campaign to convince Facebook to remove a blatantly pro-human-trafficking page?

Well, it seems this time they're deliberately allowing a pro-rape image to remain on their site.

I'm not going to embed it, but it's a picture of a female doll being gang-raped by male dolls, with the caption "Bitches be like, I hang out with guys because they're less drama." It's pretty obvious, blatant, and terrible. If you want to see it, it's here, but that's your call.

And yet Facebook allows it to remain. It takes media shame to get a trafficking site removed, and now they're letting yet another rape-promoting post stay up.

The message is clear: the site doesn't care about women.

Oh Right, School

Well, it's that time again. My classes have started up for the semester, making me a lot busier and a little more frantic than before. I'm also working a few days a week at the Brooklyn campus library -- which means I get the nice GA position without the two-hour commute.

I'm taking two classes again -- Information Retrieval and Information and Society -- and they're both interesting to varying degrees of difficulty. I&S is what I would usually consider to be up my alley. It's theoretical, talks about widespread implications, and incorporates psych, sociology, and politics. If that doesn't scream "Liza," I don't know what does.

IR is a lot more technical and tricky. But I still think it's going to be good! The subject matter is actually quite interesting. I'm just not used to seeing equations. I haven't taken math since undergrad, and even then I barely squeaked by. But fortunately the professor said we don't really need to memorize the mathematical parts; we're mostly going to focus on the theory.

As far as professors go, I really like them both. My righteous feminist side loves that they're both women, and I find them each easy to listen to and understand. Not that I had any issues last year, of course.

On a more personal, non-school note, my anxiety has been flaring up monstrously this past week. I believe it's fueled by some personal stuff and is finding new and creative ways to manifest itself. But I'll save those for a later post.

From the Archive: Say Yes to the Dress Drinking Game

I published this on a previous blog, but I thought I'd share it here.

I am not a big fan of wedding shows. I find that they play into a bunch of super annoying stereotypes and traditions that exist in everyday life and are only exacerbated by weddings. But, my mom is a fan of "Say Yes to the Dress" so I've seen many, many episodes of it against my will. I was half paying attention to it today and I couldn't help but think it is so cliched and formulaic that there simply must be a drinking game for it. I Googled, but there really isn't anything good. So I'm going to write up my own. Here goes nothing.

Say Yes to the Dress Drinking Game:

Take one drink:
-When the consultants have a meeting.
-If the episode has an obvious theme like "fathers" or "curvy brides."
-If the bride has pictures from a magazine.
-If the consultant talks about how difficult it will be to find the right gown on such a tight budget.
-If the bride refers to her fiance as her "soul mate."
-If the bride tries on a gown by Pnina Tourne.
-Every time someone says "special day," "princess," "little girl" or "fairy tale."
-If someone says the dress should have that "wow factor."
-When Randy swoops in to save the sale.
-If a bride brings her father (two drinks if the father cries).
-If a bride brings her fiance (two drinks if he looks bored).
-If a bride argues with her mother.
-If the bride brings more than three people with her.
-If a bride has some kind of sob story.
-If a bride references dissatisfaction with her own figure (two drinks if she mentions how many pounds she has lost or wants to lose).
-If the wedding is going to be on a beach.
-If the consultant brings her a dress more than $500 over her budget (two drinks if she actually buys it).
-If the bride buys a dress that is sheer/looks like lingerie.
-Whenever anyone makes a joke about it being harder to pick a dress than a husband.
-Someone cries.
-If the bride leaves without buying anything.
-If the consultant looks really annoyed with the bride.
-If a bride is buying a second dress because she didn't like the first one.
-If the bride brings along someone incredibly overbearing or controlling who dominates the appointment.
-If the bride falls in love with a dress that's way out of her price range and her parents buy it for her anyway.

Finish your drink if:
-Someone buys a $20,000 wedding dress.

Please comment if you think there's something else that should be here! I'll add on.